August is 2/3 over.

I can't believe that it's nearly September. That just really throws me for a loop. It seems like August went by so fast, so far. But I certainly wouldn't change that. It's not like I like living. So when it goes fast, it goes fast. There's no way to stop any of it, so who the fuck knows. It means I get paid in like nine days or so. Which is good and bad. It all goes to bills anyhow.

Chris didn't talk to me at all yesterday. Although I really don't know what I would have said to him had he tried. He probably thinks he doesn't have to worry about anything at all, that it's my problem, not his. Which, for the most part, is true. But at the same time, he has no idea. And I'd like him to have some idea. But it would take a long time to try to explain it. That he represented hope, and then completely destroyed it over and over. I thought that I would be able to rest, finally, when I met him, that I wouldn't ever have to look again. That we would spend our lives together. Hope. I hate myself for being the worthless chubby little monkey that I am. HATE. I hate not being over what Chris did to me. But it was like the Chris that I knew died that day, a little over a year ago. He died. And I'm still mourning him.

I want people to write songs about me. => I want people to take pictures and be inspired to paint because of me. I want stories to spring up because of me. But I am so worthless that that will never happen. I am so completely fucked up and irrational that there is no hope for me. Chubby little monkey. Disgusting thing. No hope for the elly. All destroyed. Instead, I will continue to hibernate as I have been, as much as possible. My kitten doesn't know better, so she loves me. She doesn't know how unworthy I am. She is the center of my universe.

WHY?!?

So Chris comes in and is displaced because they are ripping ceiling tiles out from near his office and the door is blocked. So he walks back here and says something to that effect, and I say something about Dave, the lab manager, and that's about it. Then I essentially ignore Chris, and he goes away.

And now I feel GUILTY about it. Why the FUCK do I feel guilty for giving him slightly cold treatment? For not being excited to see him? That's just fucking ridiculous. A year ago, a year ago, a year ago...

TGIF, mother fucker.

It's Friday morning, thank whatever deity you might believe in. It means that for two whole days I'll not have to do anything that I don't want to do. I won't have to get up if I don't want to, I won't have to go out if I don't want to. Well, theoretically. It's Rachel's birthday party tomorrow, and I'm supposed to go. I don't really want to go, but I'm supposed to. In fact, I don't want to go at all. But. It's her birthday. Tonight there's a Polymorphous Perverse show, which I won't be attending. I can't handle any more of Chris than I have to.

(God dammit, is it really that hard to be on time to work? Thank goodness we've instituted this new freaking policy that actually penalizes people who are late more strictly than the last one did. I hate people who are late. I hate hate hate it. It makes me so angry, I can't even deal.)

Dreamt about Chris. That sucked a lot. Sure made waking up fun. I wish he would stay the fuck out of my head. It started with me going into the office in back because there was a meeting of the Web Committee without me, for whatever reason. Chris was in there talking to his gf, which made me start crying, and I had to make excuses and leave. Then there were people hanging around everywhere in my office area, and they wouldn't leave, and I was trying really hard not to cry, and yelling at people, and they wouldn't leave, and they just kept getting in my way. I was looking for a staff directory for some reason, and couldn't find one, and people would NOT get out of my way when I was looking for one.

Then I went back into Chris' office and he was there alone, with his hands in his pockets, apparently trying to get off or something. Then he started trying to hump everything? I don't really recall. It was odd. Maybe it signifies how I felt he was when he had sex with that... girl. I tried to explain to him how seeing him made me feel, how seeing his stupid girlfriend made me feel. But of course, he didn't understand. At some point, it makes me wonder whether he was thinking/dreaming of me at the same time, because there ends up being some ceremonial dinner thing, where I ceremoniously (fancy that) serve him and someone else dinner. But in the dream, he asks if there is any meat in the dish, because he's a vegetarian, and it just seems odd to me that that would be in my head if he weren't thinking about me as well. But that's just my warped whatever talking, probably. Anyhow, somehow he ends up wanting me, at least physically, in the dream. I hate when that happens in my dreams, because it makes waking up to stark reality irritatingly depressing.

I'm not sure what I'll do if he lasts a year with his girlfriend. I can't handle the fact that I wasn't the one he could go out with for that long. I just can't deal with it. It's bad enough, it's bad enough... there are so many problems with him. I just can't deal with this shit. I can't deal with him, I can't deal with him having a girlfriend, I can't deal with the fact that he LIVED with her this summer. I'm trash. I wasn't good enough for anything. I wasn't good enough to live with. I wasn't good enough. Even now, I am not good enough. For anything. I can't understand how anything could compare, for him, to what we felt. I don't understand. I don't believe it does. I can't. I hate him sometimes. I'm not good enough for anything or anyone.

Rain.

Last night there was a fabulous thunderstorm. My kitten was terrified, especially after her traumatic day, and for that I felt awful, but I think she's okay. She actually came down from on top of the cupboards before I left for work this morning. I didn't want to leave her. I wanted to snuggle and make sure she knew everything was ok. I hope she knows that by picking up my brainwaves or something. I didn't mind being awakened by the thunder and lightning, because I just love thunderstorms, and I was sleeping fitfully (as usual) anyhow.

Walking to work made me smile, as it was cloudy and rainy, but not super-rainy. And it was probably about 60 degrees. Perfect. The weather lifted my spirit a bit. "I'm only happy when it rains..." Something like that. I also love being able to wear PANTS and not have to worry about overheating. I overheat really easily, for whatever reason. Perfect weather perfect weather. I just hope it rains some more. More! I am greedy when it comes to rain.

I have an hour of work left and my back hurts horribly. Stupid medication that doesn't much seem to be working and is making my back ache like crazy. What a weird side effect. It makes me squirmy when I am trying to sit still. =/ And last night I was tossing and turning trying to find some position that would make my back not hurt so much. I didn't find one. Maybe that's part of the reason I sleep so awfully. I need to order pizza or something today for food. Something that will last a few days. Because I am cheap. And completely broke. I have just enough in my bank account to pay off my phone bill and my electric bill. I think. And to get a little food. => Lucky me. Gumby's. Pokey Sticks and Pepperoni Rolls. Now I am hungry. I will have to decide whether to take a nap first and then eat or vice versa. Hmmmmm. I don't know which I love more, sleeping (when I actually sleep) or eating.

*pout*

I just noticed that even though I'm a 'friend' of his, journal-wise, mister Pink13 never actually mentions me. Kat, yeah, Ryel, yeah, but not me. Big meanie.

GAH.

It's not peaceful here in the mornings. It won't be for a while, either. They're replacing the ceiling in the lab for various reasons, and the workmen are here at 7, I think. Before I am, anyhow, and I got here at 7:20 today. I can't deal with it, but it's not like I can actually deal with anything, so.

Today my kitten and I get to go to my mom's for the day, because they're spraying my apartment, along with the whole building, for bugs. It is such an awful inconvenience for me. If I had just moved in, it wouldn't be nearly as much of an issue, as I wouldn't have all my stuff installed as I did. But yesterday, somehow, I managed to clean out my bathroom and kitchen. Clean out, as in take everything out and put it elsewhere in my too-small apartment. It's shoved into a corner. After I get home, I "get" to clean all of the surfaces that my kitten might walk on, which includes most everything. Because there is no way I'm going to let her be poisoned by that stuff. She is what keeps me going day to day. Without her, I would be lost. I'm still not sure what I am going to do about the top of the cupboards, as she tends to sleep up there. =/ I'll have to figure that out, somehow. Somehow. Somehow I'll have to clean. I don't know how I'll keep her from going in the bathroom or the kitchen while I'm cleaning the other first. Bleh.

I'm not sure what happened yesterday. I was supposed to go into work later on so that I could go to a couple of different meetings. But by the time I was supposed to leave, I was half-asleep (which would have been easy to overcome, well, relatively) and horribly depressed. So I stayed home. It'll be a 'vacation' day, I guess. I just don't know what happened. But as I lay there, half-drifting off to sleep, I knew I couldn't make it down the few blocks to work. The only way I can do it is to just leave without thinking about it, first thing in the morning. Get up, shower, go. Which is what I did today. Which is why I am here. But of course, there is nothing to do here. Nothing that seems remotely interesting. I mean, I could put pink stickers on all of the videotape cases, stickers that warn people not to demagnetize the videos. It's about as much fun as it sounds. I just need to occupy a little more than three hours until my mom comes to get my kitten and I. Mew. Sometimes librarianship can be a lot of crap work.

Some days I just -hate- being away from my little kitten. I'd rather stay home and read and cuddle up with my lil girl. I'd rather not work at all. Heh. Wouldn't everyone? I hope that Caleb takes his dog to his new apartment so that she isn't at my mom's at the same time as my kitten. It's going to be freaky enough for my lil girl to be in a new place with new cat smells, let alone my brother's dog. Knowing my bratty little brother, though, he'll leave his puppy at mom's. She's not exactly a puppy, but she's a sweet dog. That's something, at least.

God dammit, Chris, do NOT come and talk to me. I don't want to talk to you for at least a couple of weeks. I can't deal with it right now at all. GO AWAY. You FUCKED UP my life a year ago and have made little effort to make amends, so GO THE FUCK AWAY. Just leave me the fuck alone. You look dumb with a shaved head and no goatee. Go away go away go away go away. You know I stayed home yesterday, you could hear Bruce talking to me. Just leave me alone, forever. Unless you get down on your fucking hands and knees to beg forgiveness for the things you did. For the THING you did. Because I refuse to classify "her" as a human. What the fuck is up with your clothes? Is that what your new girlfriend dresses you in? You look like you're about to go on safari or some shit. It doesn't look like you, it's too sudden. Make her let you grow your goatee back. Funny how I prefer you with it, and she prefers you without it. Funny how I prefer myself dead. Just fuck off. Don't you remember what happened a year and a week and two days ago? Don't you remember? At least you didn't keep dating her, or it, or whatever. I used to love you. I loved you so much, like I've never loved anyone. I still love the person you were. I don't love the person you are now. I hate that person, as much as I can ever really hate anyone. I hate that you talk to me, I hate that you try to be friendly when you fucked me over so badly. I hate you. Do you even see me? Really see me? Do you see my hatred? You don't deserve to be happy. I don't think that I do either, but you especially do NOT. Not after what you did.

FUCK. I just want to go home now. I'll bet he's still with her only because he doesn't have the guts to break up with her. Not the thing he slept with originally, but his current gf. He's codependent. Which is why I've tried to stay out of any kind of relationship, because I'm the same damn way. But he just lept into another relationship. I'll bet the sex isn't as good. I'll bet there's no way he feels with her the way he felt with me. Nothing can beat that. Ever. I hope things with her feel hollow. I hope. But I'm sure I'm not right. Which is what kills me in the end. Which is what keeps me awake at night, wondering what I could do, where I could be bad, without people seeing, without it being too deep. Fuck.

Mornings. Bleh.

I -hate- not working first thing in the morning. I have meetings this afternoon, and so I'm not going in until later. There are things I could be/should be doing right now, while I'm here, but I just can't get the energy to do them. Tomorrow they're preventatively spraying for bugs, which means I have to clean out my bathroom and my kitchen area. It may not seem like a big deal, but in the frame of mind I've been in for the past... year? or so, it's a huge, huge deal. Most of the time I can't even think straight, let alone clear everything out of my kitchen and bathroom. It fucks up my routine, because I have to go hang out at my mom's for a good portion of the day with my kitten. And then when I get home, not only do I have to put everything BACK, I have to thoroughly clean everything first, so little kitten paws don't pick up serious ickiness. I just can't do it. I just can't.

I don't understand this mood. It's constant. I've had it forever. It's impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't felt it. I get up and go to work, but the rest of the time, I stay home. I rarely go out, rarely leave my apartment except for work. I'm not sure how I even make it to work. It's the reason I didn't move (again) this year, because there is NO way I could have done it. Every task seems insurmountable.

I wish I could sleep. I woke up at least twice every hour. I had layered dreams. I dreamt someone came into my apartment... I heard the door creak open in my dream, and couldn't move. Somehow I woke myself out of it, but it was very difficult to do. I struggled to wake up. Then I had to check the door to see if it was really locked (it was) and couldn't stop checking, once I was back in bed, to see if there was anyone else in my apartment. Everything is a struggle, it seems.

Odd, this is.

Speaking like Yoda, I am.

d00d. I'm doing this because of mister Pink13. I kinda got sucked into liking the idea somehow. Who knows how or if I'll keep it up.

It's Monday morning and I feel so numb. Last night as I lay in bed, trying to sleep, my mind was screaming. All I could think of was screaming. And not a high pitched girlie-scream, but a scary loud broken-voice yell-scream. It was specific, too, from some movie, but I can't remember which one, I couldn't place it, even though I sat there for about probably a half hour trying to figure it out. The only possibility I had was from The Godfather, when the movie director finds the horse's head in his bed. But I don't think that was it. The other scream in my head was from The Empire Strikes Back when Han Solo was tortured, and they didn't even ask him any questions.

I'm a Star Wars geek. I used my over-stressed credit card that I won't be able to pay back next month to buy the Lego Millenium Falcon. It took me two hours + to put together last night, but it is fucking cool. Now I just need to hang it next to the other Star Wars Legos. It'll go well next to the X-Wing, I think, if I can make room.

What's odd is that there is a remarkable difference between what goes on inside my head and my outward appearance/emotion. Well, I guess that's not that odd. But I'll bet that if you saw me last night, you wouldn't have guessed that all I could hear in my head was screaming. I was staring at the ceiling. But inside I was screaming.

We got the CDs we purchased for the collection back today. I wonder if those librarians who catalog them know what 'N.W.A.' stands for. So many of them seem like the most banal types... luckily I don't fall under that category of librarian. I'm new school. Which, in this case, is a good thing. I think that I'm responsible for the only Misfits and Joy Division albums in the entire University Library System. Which isn't that surprising.

Heh. I'm totally babbling. Also, my friend Peter from Milwaukee reminded me that today is my 1/4 birthday. ;> So I'm 26 and 1/4 today. Heh. Okay, I'm done for now.